Cowboy Diplomacy: What Not to Do at a G8 Summit

Sometimes I think that George W. Bush must be either a cruel joke played on us by some malevolent will, or at least a national nightmare from which we shall surely wake. Setting aside his policy errors, the man’s personal foibles are too hilarious to be real. Bush’s last G8 summit, just completed, caps a legacy of painfully awkward international faux pas’ worthy of “Office” legends Michael Scott or Dwight Shrute. In honor of the end of this era of free comedy, a short recap of the depths of lapsed dignity and decorum plumbed by our President, in the form of lessons learned:

• Apparently, heads of state are unaccustomed to free massages, or, perhaps, to being groped without notice by fellow world leaders. At an earlier G8 summit, upon meeting German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Bush proceeded to give her a back rub, in the manner of Buster Bluth. “Heyyy, Chancellor…” Watch the video; her appalled facial expression is well worth the click.
• In what surely must come as a shock, British Monarchs don’t like being flirted with, or winked at (video).  Especially by the self-styled black sheep of a formerly respected political family.
• Making stereotypical ethnic jokes is a cool way to defuse the tension of a first meeting.  Hey, Gordon Brown liked it.
• Italians don’t speak Mexican Spanish: apparently Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi doesn’t answer to the Spanish word, “amigo.”
• When an assembled group of world leaders spends years trying to get you to own up to the damage you’re causing to the environment, they don’t like being reminded of how little you care what they think. This suggests that, “goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter,” might not be the best choice of parting words.

International diplomacy just might be one of those places where a little elitism goes a long way.