Carnival of the Elitist Bastards: Stardate 62453.9

Captain’s log, supplemental, stardate 62453.9:

It’s been said that God protects fools, children, and ships named Enterprise – we might add to that list the American Republic, at least when she needs it most. It’s been two months, two sailings, since America chose to put Barack Obama at the helm, and amidst crisis there’s some space for cautious optimism. The President’s cabinet picks suggest that science and knowledge may be sexy again, although his choices for affairs of state continue to indicate the necessity of pandering to ignorance. And, while we mourn for our fallen comrades in California, we do not yet despair of hope in their quest for freedom. Most of this is good news for my crew. Though our ship is but recently launched – we left fleet yards in the spring of last year, with a skeleton crew – we’ve quickly grown weary of fighting what, at times, seemed like losing, rearguard actions in the Culture Wars. It’s nice to be returning to the Front, after some well-deserved shore leave, with hope of victory for elitism and knowledge. We’re currently coasting off the Neutral Zone: Sarah Palin and her hordes of ignorance have, thankfully, been exiled to the distant ice-world of Alaska, but rumblings reported by deep-space probes indicate the enemy is regrouping for a new offensive. As always, we stand ready: as I take intelligence reports from the crew, I’ve instructed the bridge to maintain yellow alert. Time to analyze the line of battle and dispatches from the field:

• Rear admiral of-the-white John, of the S.S. Haystack, reporting - CONSTANT. VIGILANCE. This year, when our opponents broke out the old-school charges of “elitism” to quash intelligent discourse, for some reason they didn’t stick, and we carried the day. But America’s current of anti-intellectualism runs deep, and “[u]nless and until we can make it part of being ‘just plain folks’ to be well-read . . . we will be vulnerable to this dark streak in our national culture and a danger to ourselves and the rest of the world.” Take heart, Admiral: we here will never lay down our guard.
• The Commandant herself Dana, from the flagship Tequila, reporting - all ships ordered to engage the enemy. It’s not enough to talk. We’ve got several elitist operatives well placed in the Obama cabinet, but if you want a better world it’s no time to stop yet. But, when the bullets start flying, we must be responsible for the injuries we cause, in real and metaphorical wars.
• Rear admiral of-the-blue Blake Stacey, S.S. Science After Sunclipse, reporting - the public, up to and including the media, continue to mock real science (in this case, “evolutionary altruism,” a concept so mainstream as to be repeatedly covered even by “The Economist”) when it dares to show up in popular films. Recommends monitoring: especially where evolution is concerned, simple ignorance is liable to develop into all-out revolt against reason. Concur.
• Post captain Stephanie, S.S. Almost Diamonds, reporting – it’s lonely at the top. No, really, it is: so many of us work in elite professions, but because of our specialization, even our loved may balk at trying to understand what it is we do all day. We shouldn’t be afraid of communicating with experts, and we should always try to understand, for our sake and theirs.
• Post captain, S.S. Home of the Brave, reporting - the current economic collapse, and weaponization of the Department of Health and Human Services as the mouthpiece of anti-choice governance, will deal professional nursing a blow from which it may not recover. The healthcare industry could follow shortly thereafter. In a very detailed, all-encompassing account, this brave officer recommends instant action. Fleet command concurs: ships dispatched with urgent aid, and a purple heart for this brave commander.
• Post captain Spirochete, of the S.S. Idea, reporting – upon returning from the Front, where he served in the border skirmish colloquially known as “the War on Christmas,” Spirochete reports that the enemy propaganda is full of allusions to America as a “Christian nation,” a notion he politely disabuses them of. ((Nota bene: normally, ending a sentence with a preposition would be conduct unbecoming an elitist. But the use of the word “disabuse” compensates for the penultimate sentence’s lack of elitist grammar.))
• Commanding officer, S.S. TeacherNinja, reporting - recommends aid for footsoldiers in the Culture Wars, including the ACLU and NCSE. Command concurs. Times are tough, but these organizations need help now more than ever.
• Commanding officer, S.S. Evolving Mind, reporting - there’s more to elitist bastardry than brandy snifters and fountain pens. There’s also something called “common sense” – a trait of lesser beings generally vestigial in us elitists, but worth reviewing. The XO gives us a diagnostic test, to evaluate our competency in this arena.
• Commanding officer Cujo, S.S. Slobber and Spittle, reporting - time goes by, so slowly… and the XO reports the development of fleet chronometers, and its relation to our perception of events. Research and inquiry for its own sake is the heart of elitism: Cujo has served the fleet well.
• Rear admiral of-the-red Efrique of the S.S. Ecstathy, reporting - a talented line officer himself, monsignor Efrique explains why science, and any process of generating knowledge, work: we’re not afraid of errors, and we correct them when they come up, and that’s what sets us apart from the opposition. Well said: we elitists are often accused of engaging in criticism for criticism’s sake, but that’s not accurate. We criticize because, if we didn’t, we wouldn’t learn, and the forces of ignorance would be upon us in a second. It’s sad how many otherwise good officers forget that.

Transmission ends: with the exception of these few excellent dispatches, it’s been a quiet month, no doubt due to the extended shore leave most of our officers have taken this holiday season. Nonetheless, I’ll tentatively give the all-clear. Officers, I’ll give you this rare respite from battle, but we must always be on guard against ignorance and anti-intellectualism. The Commandant has not yet asked us to stand down from action stations: be ready for battle next month.

P.S.: happy Monkey, merry Squidmas, and best wishes for whatever other holidays you may celebrate!