Submitted to a Candid World

How bizarre: Barack Obama’s been our President for nearly a month now, but when I don’t eat, I still get hungry, and when I do eat, I still have to go to the bathroom eventually. I expected such minor inconveniences to have wholly dissolved in the post-Obacalypse era (h/t to my immediate predecessor in this auspicious role), but since Obama also has yet to declare himself dictator, dissolve the Senate, and turn the Washington Monument into a giant minaret (as conservative pundits expected), I suppose we’re about even.

Except we’re not! We’re ahead, and don’t you forget it! The global gag rule is gone, Guantanamo is on its way out, science is back on its way in, and I just got my $1bn check in the mail from the recently passed stimulus bill! Yes, that’s right: we bloggers are getting a slice of the stimulus pie, and in my role as Carnival host for this cycle, I decided to disburse my funds to other worthy liberal bloggers. ((Q: Really? A: No, not really. It’s just a gimmick. Chill. No real funds involved. DON’T SUE.)) Did you get stimulated? See below…

1. $106,969,696 to the mockery of homophobic fundamentalist “lawyers”: can anyone honestly suggest a better cause? Fundamentalist litigators are a horrific drain on the economy, filing all manor of frivolous lawsuits (read the article for a few gems), and endowing the mockery of these closet-cases only provides jobs for useful Americans like the tenants of “Bay of Fundie.” That’s change we can believe in.
2. $100,000,000 to the destruction of cults of personality, wherever they may reside: Jon at ChambersThePoet reminds us not to be blindly loyal Barack Obama, or the Democratic Party. This is a good idea philosophically and economically. Cults of personality cost more money than they save: golden calves aren’t free, you know. We’d be foolish not to fund similar reminders!
3. $78,353,134 to career lessons for aspiring liberals, based on the President’s example: normally “pursue passion, instead of chasing money” is counter-economical advice. But as GeekMBA360 points out, it seemed to work for Barack Obama. Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams… to profit!
4. $17,761,776 to fund reminders of how awful Bush was: KP Silverman reminds us that it’s not debatable whether Bush was a failure. It’s good history and good policy to remember how badly he wounded the nation, physically, psychically, and economically – lest we doom ourselves to repeat the mistake. Consider it an investment in avoiding the next depression.
5. $15,000,000 for pro-stimulus package pundits: look. We can’t keep getting this money if public support for it dries up. How could I not fund Lisa Nicol, whose focus on the stimulus reminds us of how important it is to fund both rich and poor?
6. $10,000,000 for shampoo: you heard me. According to “evolving mind,” when we’re cleaner, we’re more tolerant of difference. And tolerance pays. When you’re nice to people, they’re more willing to buy things from you. A national bath could be just the kind of stimulus we need!
7. $5,000,000 for delicious irony: hey, isn’t it weird how so many of the Republicans supported Bush’s pork-filled spend-off, but suddenly became fiscal conservatives when Obama got into office? I think so, and American Packet does too. Such valuable reminders keep us from electing hypocritical charlatans, and give some insurance against the money they end up costing us. Fun, and good for the economy!
8. $5,000,000 for explaining the stimulus bill: hey, someone has to do it. Thanks to MoneyBlueBook for taking one for the team.
9. $5,000,000 for intelligently approaching the value of health care: look. There’s a lot of bad argumentation going around there, saying that healthcare funding is a liability likely to mire the economy in still more debt and further jeopardize a bankrupt nation. But, as PalMD points out, healthcare spending is infrastructure spending, an investment in the nation’s future that pays itself back eventually. Good man.
10. $5,000,000 to fund a restraining order keeping Mike Huckabee far the eff away from anything important: Dana of “En Tequila Es Verdad” gives another reason to be glad this man’s confined to endearing interviews on “The Colbert Report,” and nothing else: he’s a moron, whose latest rant comprises of assaulting the stimulus not on sound economics, not even on bad economics, but on religious grounds. Appeasing Mike Huckabee’s God is not a legitimate national expense. But keeping him from making us is.
11. REMAINDER (≈$650,000,000) for me!: hey, I spent hours typing up this post! It’s a $&*^$ing valuable thing!! You expect me to @#$@^ing give it away?!?!